In the movies, whenever an affair is discovered, the cheating partner always begs for forgiveness and promises to end the relationship. In reality, the situation is often different. A cheating spouse will claim to end an affair but continue talking and seeing the other person in secret. In some cases, your spouse may not even try to hide the affair anymore and will simply refuse to stop seeing the other person.

Even during an affair, it’s possible to still love your partner and want to work things out. You’re likely experiencing a lot of anger, hurt, and betrayal right now, but that doesn’t mean you want a divorce. You probably want to lash out at your partner and punish them for hurting you, which is completely understandable. However, if you want to reconcile and solve your relationship problems, you have to face facts and start working toward a solution.

Do Something For Yourself

Dwelling on an affair will only create resentment and make it difficult if not impossible to reconcile with your spouse. You need to get out of the house and start doing things that make you happy and help you focus on something other than your struggling relationship. Start a language or pottery class, join a dance group, get a haircut, or organize a regular ladies’ nights with your friends.

Self-care is crucial during this painful period. You need to bring things back into your life that make you happy. Whatever you choose shouldn’t be a vindictive or spiteful move against your partner. This is solely for your benefit to help you cope while your partner ends the affair. 

Set Boundaries and Limits

If you want to rebuild your marriage, the first thing you have to do is recognize your own value. You deserve better treatment than feeling like you’re competing with another person. Your partner can’t expect you to be OK with him sneaking off to see another woman or calling another woman in the evenings when you’re around.

Set boundaries and limits that make it clear you will not put up with the cheating behavior. If your spouse is sneaking off or having hushed phone calls, instead of shouting and flying into a jealous rage, leave your spouse alone. That being said, you’re not expected to act like a loving partner around this behavior, either. Aim for neutral. Stop cooking, cleaning, or doing other things your spouse normally expects from you.

Loving acts are reserved for a loving partner. It’s unfair to expect a spouse to carry on with life as normal when you’re not keeping your vows. If you don’t show your partner respect, then you won’t be given the privileges and favors that come along with marriage.

Address What Caused the Affair In The First Place

If your spouse is struggling to end the affair, then he is getting something from this other woman he doesn’t feel he can get from you. It likely hurts to think about that but acknowledging the problems in your relationship is a big step toward restoring your marriage.

Healing your marriage isn’t all on one person though, you both have to work to fix your broken relationship. If you’re having an affair, you can’t expect your spouse to start working on themselves while you continue seeing another person. It’s not fair and it will only further damage your marriage.

The best way to work through your problems is to start seeing a infidelity counselor right away. A therapist will help you talk to each other and make it easier to listen to what the other person has to say. If you struggle to listen to each other at home, sitting in a neutral space with someone else directing the conversation can be really beneficial. You’ll start to uncover why the affair started and how you can both move forward to repair your marriage.

Create a Hard Limit

It’s important your spouse knows the affair is unacceptable and needs to end. You might be afraid to lose him, so you’re allowing the affair to continue unchecked. All this does is make your partner believe they can take as long as they want to decide how they feel about the marriage. This leaves you feeling powerless and even more vulnerable to your partner. It’s likely you’ll lash out and have even more fights with each other, which is not helpful for rebuilding a marriage. You have to draw the line and make it clear that the affair will have to end for the marriage to keep existing. If your partner refuses to change and continues to flaunt the affair in your face no matter what you’ve tried, then it might be time to leave.

If you’re the one having the affair, don’t expect your partner to wait around for you to make up your mind. You have to put in effort too if you want to keep your marriage from disintegrating.

If you and your partner are struggling with an affair, then talk to a marriage counselor before it’s too late. To learn more about our services, visit our infidelity counseling page now.